Since you left this world
all four seasons have turned again
The full moon chariot
that took you away
came back empty
Since you went away
our country has tried to take over the world
You would have been outraged
You would have tried to stop them
from hurting each other
Since you went away
I have said yes to love at all costs
and married the only father you ever had
in a ceremony of blowing sun and storm cloud
You were everywhere, everywhere that day
Since you went away
your sisters’ lives have been transfigured in your memory
One has carved a castle out of chaos
The other has understood
the architecture of the cosmos
Since you went away
the bright fire
of who you were
has cooled and turned into
something else
Into everything, everything else
Since you went away
I have been exalted
Your death a flaming sword
cutting through the illusion of separation
I have fallen in love with all sentient beings
Since you went away
I have plummeted
to the depths of bitterness
forgetting every sacred teaching I ever thought I knew
Blaming myself for breathing
Since you went away
I have lost you, found you
again and again
in dream, in meditation
at breakfast, at my computer
You have been elusive and all-pervading
Since you went away
I have lost myself, found myself
again and again
the woman who was your mother
who will never be your mother again
who will always be your mother
and someone else I am, someone bigger than that
Since you left this world
its beauty astonishes me
the direct gaze of an infant
a little boy telling a dream
a double rainbow after months of drought
drought itself
Since you left this world
I too have left
retreating to an interior cave
where no one could touch me with their love
I have followed you to the underworld
in my tiny boat
dipping my oars into darkness, into silence
trying to get to where you are
Defeated, I have headed back
Since you left this world
whatever was temporarily wounded between us
heals effortlessly
and what was always whole and beautiful
is blossoming, blossoming
I love you,
my sweet Jenny.